Sidekicks

… I make a truly fantastical sidekick!

After years of watching cartoons and bollywood and Mean Girls *sticks out her tongue*, I’ve realised that the role of the sidekick is kickass! No, honestly, can you imagine The Little Mermaid without Sebastian? Or Munna without Circuit? Circuit man! That guy! Now, tell me who’s funnier.
Munna – “Kya kar rila hai Circuit?
Circuit – “Bhai bulb pe baap ka naam likh rela hu”
Munna – “kyu?”
Circuit – “Bhai baap ka naam roshan karne ka hai na?”
Hahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha! *giggles* Bhaat a joke sir ji, bhaat a joke!
But jokes apart, have you ever thought on those lines?
No? Bad sidekick you make!

Who likes the sidekick’s role? Mr. Sidekick is always sidelined. I mean, a life full of magic and misery? I get so confused man! So, strengthening my case:

• The sidekick plays the court jester role; she makes the good times roll. They clutch their stomach and sound out with great difficulty “haha…you…you…it…haha…ain’t…haha…gasp…fa…funny”! Sadly the sidekick doesn’t get the credits.
• The sidekick is so ordinary looking that she is told about other beautiful women. Come on, Circuit cared for his “bhai” and “bhaabi” more than his “jaan” who didn’t show up even during the end of Lage Raho Munna Bhai. Even Gandhi didn’t show himself to poor Circuit. Tsk tsk!
• The sidekicks always have ultra-gorgeous buddies.
• She trips over her own feet. But can’t remember being picked by Mr. Right.
• She says ridiculously silly things when she tries to be serious. She could be going pea-green with envy, but she ends up saying things like “I wish I could be the lucky dog” with a broad grin. Blow her someone, by George!
• She has memorable catch phrases. “Shut the fuck up!”, “Awesomeness”, “you won’t understand, it’s so deep!”, “you are smart and it has everything to do with your ass!”, “I like your mum, she’s really cute and I’d like to adopt her!” and many more.
• Sidekicks are peculiar. The sidekick typing to you has a peculiar laugh, ever heard a donkey bray?
• She tries to shake up the mood when the tension gets to be too much, like when the heroine is diffusing a bomb (studying for an exam or un-plagiarising an assignment), or hitting on a cute guy, or something equally as life changing and world saving!
• The sidekick gets nothing more than a handshake from a cute guy. Whenever my hand is shook by an insanely attractive gentleman, my legs turn to jelly and lose the ability of balancing, my hands shake and drop things, I turn scarlet and I prepare to liquefy while he hugs my pretty best friend and waves a goodbye! Well, she is confident and beautiful to hug him back!
• A general notion – the heroine is beautiful while the sidekick is available.
• The sidekick cooks well, the heroine bosses better!
• The sidekick has the highest cool quotient that is never noticed by anyone.
• The heroine usually has some tasks she hates to do, so the responsibility to complete said task falls to the sidekick, i.e. conveying messages. Oops! One wrong message conveyed, sidekick screwed! Even if it means telling a hot guy about the shady guy hitting on the heroine. Because the hot guy might or might not be the hero! How do you respond to questions like “why do I need to know”?
• The sidekick tends to talk a lot. That leaves cute guys with the impression that she never shuts up!
• The sidekick is either mini or huge. I’m huge.
• Dainty princesses have the capacity to grow cuter with alcohol. Sidekicks blackout!
• Sidekicks are either silhouetted or killed! Will I die before my buddies, or be their ex buddy? *shudders*

Hmm. I rest my case.
Lots of love from the sidekick zone!

To a couple happily married and leisurely repenting

Few hours ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a beautiful picture was clicked with five ultra-gorgeous people smiling away at the camera. Sheer bliss. The picture wasn’t about the pose, the clothes or the background, but about an irrational yet immense desire to catch, lock and keep safe, the happiness that a mere picture and a mere smile will never be able to contain. Well, that’s how the moment was planned, a way of holding onto happiness.
Oh shit! We left our fucking evidence! How now?
Oh, and, I should just stop being modest. Not everyone in the picture is ultra-gorgeous, but they are sorely beautiful. And it wasn’t a galaxy far, far away; it was on a podium with the bride and her groom in a wedding.
So, life on campus had gotten on our nerves. Seriously, TISS can put trees to sleep! After days of great depression and the result that is rumoured to be expected every tomorrow, the tension got to be too much while I decided to shake up the mood. I needed a merry long night.
“You look fine. In fact, presentable.”
“Not good enough for a wedding.”
Every nice looking woman is presentable for a man; I was dressed in jegings and a T. It was a moment of life changing decision making for me. After three seconds of thinking, I jumped up at the opportunity like a hapless puppy! After all, I asked for it. So what law to be scared of?
Sometimes I have epic realisations; it isn’t a good idea to go alone with a guy. How do we answer all the stares and glares and questioning expressions? Weddings aren’t a joke, are they?
So we roped another guy in.
“What?”
Ok, he’s going to say no.
“Let’s try.”
Hurray! Yoyo! Lalaalalalala!
Because people who don’t give into adventures are a menace to society. I would have cursed him with a horrible death at hundred surrounded by cockroaches and slugs. How can anyone deny a wedding invitation?
So we were three. Nothing to worry about. No one will suspect. We walked out of the gate with conjured bravado, and vowed to accomplish our mission.
After wandering for quarter of an hour, we successfully set foot on the red carpet, sans red noses! We mingled in the crowd and picked our plates.
We feasted on pani puris, ragda patties, Sarson da saag te makkhi di roti, puris, mixed veg, matar paneer, zeera rice, dal, dosas, papad, salad, ice-cream with chocolate sauce, gajar ka halva and gulabjamoon! Oh man, believe me; I pulled myself up with ease after all the stuffing. Digestion wasn’t difficult with simultaneous thinking and putting up an act. I was on a roll!
I remembered what we were discussing while walking to our destination.
“So, whom do we kill?”
“The guy. He’s ugly!”
The third member of the Gatecrash Association piped up “but the girl isn’t all that great either, I can’t see her structure!”
We were clutching our stomach in helpless fits of laughter! Had the groom been handsome, I would have murdered the bride and taken her place. Had the bride been pretty, the guys would have killed the groom and like Pandava brothers, they would have shared her.
Man! Men and their cheeky comments! Have a cheesy night, men!
After the food, we walked up the podium for a click. I hugged the bride and pored love. I wished her genuinely and posed with a mile broad smile. Who would have thought I could? Holy moly guacamole! They didn’t even ask who we were! She could have at least asked for my name! I had to resist the urge to whisper in her ear “we are gatecrashers babe, stop being so nice” with a great difficulty. But the guys had a great conversation next to the groom.
“We are leaving our fucking evidence!”
“Shut the fuck up!”
And the groom overheard! Ohmygosh bigosh!
I wished the couple again, they reciprocated the friendly gesture. At least they have our best wishes. Lord Lyttton, let them be happily married and they can leisurely repent together!
We took the photographer’s number. We’ll get our picture soon. That moment clicked at 22:12 hours on the 12th of December 2013 was perfect, and I have only a memory of it. But that is enough for cheering me up at points of depression! No, seriously, I really want young, decent gatecrashers attending my wedding, because its right when they say one should always feed the hungry.
So we successfully flew below the radar, and it’s a paradise there. We were visible enough to freeload food but invisible for people to remember us. Cheers to our newly discovered talent! *doffs hat* gosh I’m happier than the couple on their marriage!
Can you say spectacular?