“Awwwwwww…”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Ooiyeahh!”
“I kissed…”
“Pheeeeee!”
“Guess what? I did it!”
“Hoot! Hoot! How was it?”
See? Honeymoon fazes! Before you actually start living together. How cute!
Remember what Raj said before he met Simran in DDLJ?
“Kisi ke bal achche hote hain to kisi ke hot” (Some women have nice hair, others have pretty lips.)
After he met her,
“Kaisi hai? Simran?” (How is Simran?)
“Bahot pyaari hai.” (Very beautiful)
But dude. How long did he live with her? For an age of three hours and ten minutes! Bollywood and open ends!
Love is a strange emotion. It pulses through you, clouds reasoning and rational thought. It invokes jealousy, superiority complex and you’ll feel a bizarre sense of anger surge through you. Don’t tell me you are not insecure. Don’t tell me you don’t face the twisted threat of losing him. Don’t you fear replacement? Don’t you worry being abandoned?
Allow me to describe the stages in love, dear reader.
1. I want to get the last bite. For a gorgeous husband.
Hmmmmm. A girl’s favourite myth. Because long long ago some dumb anorexic blond chick was told by her mamma that if she eats the last bite, she’ll get a gorgeous husband. And she ate the first bite to reach the last bite. But I wonder why broad figures are not yet in trend.
2. Pleasure meeting you, see you around.
Of course. Because the answer to “was it love at first sight?” is “hardly!”
3. “So good to see you.” “Same here man, how are you?”
And the conversation ends at “here’s my number. Stay in touch.” You might even pull up a reason for sharing your number, excuses work better than “I’m kind of interested in you.”
4. “It’s me. What’re you up to?”
This and that. And more. And the conversation goes on all night. Even if it means hanging on and spending silent seconds and phone credit.
5. “How was your day?” “Ok…” “Same here.” “Life can suck sometimes.”
Go on. Tell him. He’s there. Are you worried about “she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts. She wears high heels, I wear sneakers” like Taylor Swift? He’ll accompany you to the saloon the next time. He’ll shyly wait outside for you, patiently giving you time for whimpering while your eyebrows are plucked and simpering while your hands are manicured. Oh and your pretty purple nails will make him hold your hand, and crossing the road is an excuse. Soft hands, so cute.
Congratulations, you’re in love! Awwwwwwwww!
6. “I am not sleepy.” “Awwwww! Let me put you to sleep.”
Sweet? Or seductive? That precarious pink in a momentary blush. But you won’t notice it!
7. Sidelong glances, suppressed laughter.
Because some things are better unsaid.
8. “I promise.”
The scarlet seduction of a rose in full bloom. It’s a promising flower he pushes into your hand. There’s nothing better than being wrapped together in that beautiful bond of love. True love. Your love.
9. “You look pretty today.” “Come on, it’s my usual worn out purple t-shirt.”
Oh no don’t. You can’t expect him to notice you everyday. Maybe he just realised and you pissed him off! Now hit your head on the table top!
10. Silence… The glorious kiss… Shock… Laugh… Longer… harder…
Pheeeeeeeeee! Hahahahahaha!
11. “I reached safe. Listen love, I’m missing you. Hey, do you want to talk to amma?”
How awww right? You’ll check whether your manners are intact before you hear aunty say hello. That’ll be one sweet conversation. And the conversation that will go on short for that night because of high roaming costs will be about being a son and missing a mother and more about family like ranting about the biggest idiot amongst your siblings and married siblings and nephews and nieces if there are any. A family of your own will sound good.
12. “I was sleeping, why can’t you just leave me in peace?”
That’s the problem with the extra X chromosome. It thinks too much, worries too much, cries too much and after all the energy loss, it understands too little and calls too much. Leave the poor boy alone. He is tired.
13. “How could you forget our six month anniversary?”
He just did. I don’t really know why, I couldn’t find out.
14. “You don’t give me time.” “How much time do you want?” “You gave me all your time without asking when we started off, and now you are bored of me, right?”
Please try and understand. Yesterday is not today and today is not tomorrow. When you run after something, it runs away from you. When you run away from it, it runs after you. Everything is stasis in standstill situation.
Don’t only keep calling.
Don’t only wait for his calls.
15. The next time you get drunk together.
Well, it’s not just your parents’ blood that is running through your veins, alcohol is authoritarian. Hoot! Hoot!
It was great going missionary, right? Because it’s missionary. The Church, missionaries… Close to divine, right?
16. Salena Gomez sings “I, I, love you like I love some baby!” and you sing along.
But somehow, the short conversation about mothers, family and babies never came up again.
Try asking if he wants to talk to your mamma.
“What baby no! my mummy is my mummy man… others’ mummy? Scared scared!”
Poor kid… This is called mother-in-law phobia. Asshole!
17. “I’ll pick you up for dinner at 8.”
Even if it means a low budget dinner at a dhaba. Anything for butter chicken and garlic naans because they are shaped like teardrops. Bottoms up to your glasses of water, a toast to infinite romance.
18. “Did you see the way he was leering at you? I could have shoved a hot iron rod up his ass!” “how does it matter to you?” “Because you are my girlfriend!” “Your girlfriend! You had no girlfriend when you were gaping at that bimbo who calls herself a model!” “Which bimbo model?” “That bitch at Ed’s birthday party!” “I wasn’t.”
Men, for some reason they are protective only about their women. Mother, sisters, girlfriends, wife, daughters… other women are just… uhm… sexy! Only Zeus knows why.
19. A crumpled chit of love between your fingers passed on to him -
You and I are rising in love,
Just Like that flying dove.
You and I are a cute couple,
Because I love chocolate truffle!
Yes. Very touching composition.
Yes. We are creepy about the men we love.
20. “Did you tell Emma about that joke?” “I… well… not entirely.” “Babes, I know you inside out and you by far, are one of my best discoveries.”
No, that’s surely not a complement! Now you’ll blame yourself if he is not talking to you.
21. “Don’t you know I’m pissed? Don’t you? You told her. It’s our joke, our personal joke. Our personal joke!” “if that upset you why didn’t you tell me before?” “What difference would that make? Don’t you know? Tell me if I am wrong! How will you feel if I talk about kissing and sex and us to my friends? How will you feel? Will you like it? Oh of course, you’ll be very happy. Because you women like showing off! Listen, I’m sorry, but I need a break. Let’s not talk for a week.”
Of course! He’s blaming all women, and you’ll blame yourself. You will stay away, spending every minute reminding yourself that you are an idiot. And you’ll write a million mails apologising and saving them in your drafts because he wants to stay out of touch for a week. You’ll cry, listen to Unfaithful by Rihanna and wait for his call and cry more.
22. “I thought you’ll call. Didn’t you miss me? I deserved it, I’m so stupid. I’m sorry, but I didn’t mean to.” “It’s alright baby, it’s not entirely your fault. I said a lot of cutting things too. I missed you so much, but, baby, I needed a break. You get it right?”
No. you didn’t get the break concept. You’ll still nod because you missed him and his hug is warm.
23. “Baby… I’m sorry. It’s not about you, it’s me. We can’t be together anymore.” “What? After all this while?” “Baby. Lots of perfect love stories exist. Ours was one of them, not anymore. I feel pathetic. but, babes, let’s at least bid each other the best goodbye? Please don’t cry. Please?”
Weeping… howling… gnashing of teeth… pleading… praying… all to no avail. He’ll be nice. But not to the extent of coming back.
24. What sense does “it’s not about you baby, it’s me” make? Why is he blaming the break up on himself and perfect love stories? All of a sudden? Everything was going well. Why?
Trust me! You’ll go crazy trying to decipher all that he said. You’ll even start googling his name. You’ll pull your dirtiest language out of storage. You’ll throw darts at his picture. You’ll want to throw stones at him. You deserve to spew your venom on him, about him, before him, behind him and to the high heavens if you please. But he won’t pick your calls.
It’s over for him. Like a happy dream.
25. A fling before the ring
As you sit there, draped in something absolutely gorgeous, something you picked with your favourite someone for this perfect moment, you’ll hear Jonas Brothers sing “Now I’m speechless over the edge, and just breathless… I never thought that I’d catch this love bug again. Hopeless, head over heels in the moment, I never thought that I’d get hit by this love bug again.” As the ring is slipped on to your finger.
Well, loneliness reaches saturation after a point. Thanks to your nagging friends, his indifference is commonplace and by extension, ok.
You will realise that some things almost come a full circle before they change shape leaving the circle incomplete. And you’ll thank the misshape. You will understand the difference between a loving relationship and giving into blind passion. You will realise the element that led you to celebrate your engagement, and you’ll thank your former relationship for showing you why you didn’t go full circle the previous time.
It might take six months, a year, or even more, but you’ll berry his memories in the past. That's because you’ve grown with time. And the next time you see him on the street, you’ll return his smile or respond to his hello, even if he is with another woman. And you’ll be surprised to realise that it doesn’t affect you anymore.
Dude, now, the actual part… you’ve got to be strong. Bad surprises are meant to be given before you get them. Break up in the first place, I know, it’s going to hurt equally bad, but at least you’ll not feel betrayed or dumped.
What if you don’t predict the announcement? Happens. Almost all the time. Just agree with him about the break up. Don’t call him. Leave him alone. He might just come back. But for how long?
Well, take your call. But whatever has to happen will happen. You can’t force it, you can’t predict it, you can’t stop it, you can’t blame it on anyone. You can just play along.
So, after all, this is what I learned…
A second attempt at everything is better, including relationships and chocolate cookies!
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