Has lo, kameeno!

I live a hilarious life. I live amongst hilarious people. I say hilarious things. My professor has a “Hillarios” name!
Don’t believe me? Read on!

Side note, as well as potentially useful information for my foreign blog readers: dudes and dudettes, learn Hindi. Watch Shah Rukh Khan. Indian humour is something you’re missing out!

Kanu in pain – “Aaaaaaa!”
Me – “Kya hua bhenchod?”
(Realization hits, I’m stepping on her foot!)
Me – “Sorry.”
Kanu – “My foot!”
*Both of us die laughing*

Me – “Why aren’t there any mushrooms on my plate?”
Arunima – “Ummm… You ate’m all!”

Naamu – "Hi, Sai-Pie. What's up? What are you doing?"
Me – "Hi, Mousse. Grilled vegies up to the throat. i'm doing the job of a pig."

Professor Panchal – “How many of you hail from a rural part of India? (Picks Kapai out of the few raised hands) You tell me, did you run around the keth as a child?”
Kapai – “What’s keth?”
Professor Panchal – “Sure you’re from rural India?”
Kapai – “Yes, the part of rural India where Hindi is not spoken!”
(proud of you, bro)
Me: “Do I look scary?”
Gopika: “yeah, I think so.”
Me: “My student’s dad said to his 2 year old chup hoja varna madame tujhe kamre mein band kar dengi!”
Akhil: “Fuck you nahi bola tune?”
Gopika: “Don’t listen to him, Sai. Never say kinky shit to people who don’t look like they’d be good in bed!”
(I think Akhil choked)

Me – “Kanu, open the door?”
Kanu – “Yeah.”
Me (sounding sullon) – “What’re you doing?”
Kanu – “Leti hui thi.”
Me – “Creativity?”
Kanu – “Leti hui thiiiiiiiiiiiiiii bhenchod!”
Us – “Hahahahhhahahahaahhahahaahhahahahahahahahahaha!”

Vandy – “Poor kids… what math did you teach them?”
Me – “11+12=23.”
Vandy – “That was instant. How many times did you rote 11+12=23? 11+12=2311+12=2311+12=2311+12=2311+12=2311+12=2311+12=2311+12=23!”
Me – “Shut uuuuuuuuuuuup!”
Vandy – “What’s next? 2+2=4?”

Nilabh – “Like the English add S to denote the plural form of things, Jharkhand mein log end mein ‘un’ lagate hain.”
Me – “Jaise?”
Nilabh – “Ladki ke end mein “un” laga?”
Me – “Ladkiun.”
Nilabh – “Good… United Kingdom ka capital kya hai?”
Me – “London.”
Nilabh – “haan. Ab ‘ON” hata?”
Me – “What the fuck! OMG hahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha!”

Richa – “I need to prove to people that I am from Patiala!”
Me – “And how are you gonna do that?”
Richa – “We got them Patiala pegs, bhenchod!”

Me – “Hi Rafiq, how’re you doing?”
Rafiq – “Good. Sorry I don’t shake hands with girls.”
Me – “dying virgin isn’t very hard, is it?”
Rafiq – “S…sorry?”
Me – “Why don’t you shake hands with girls?”
Rafiq – “In islam it is wrong to touch an unmarried girl’s hand.”
Me – “As-Salaamu-Alaikum.”
Rafiq – “Wa-Alaikum-Salaam.”
(He never spoke to me again)

Anu – “I called you. Your phone was busy.”
Me – “Oh.”
Anu – “But I enjoyed it. You were on the phone and I realized my call wasn’t on waiting. The Marathi automated voice was cute so I kept listening to it for n number of times.”
Me – “Say whaaaat!”
Anu – “What to do, everytime I call you, your crazy influence rubs off on me!”

Me – “I’m not a dainty lady. Hey, that could be the title of a new blog post.”
Sudha – “But I’m a dainty lady.”
Me – “I’m talking about my blog.”
Sudha – “Oh.”
(A couple of days later)
Me – “You’re a dainty princess and what am i?”
Sudha – “Awww what do you want to be?”
Me – “A bombshell!”
Sudha – “Totally suits you.”

Kanu – “Sit down.”
Me (softly) – “No my bum hurts from sitting.”
Kanu (loudly) – “What?”
Me (softly) – “My bum hurts.”
Kanu (Even loudly) – “Whaaaaaaaaaaaatttt?”
Me (exasperated) – “Pichwade mein dard hogaya hai bhenchod!”
Kanu – “Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Me – “The chicken’s baby is a chick. Good. The lion’s baby is a cub. Good. What’s the horse’s baby called?”
Vandy – “Uhm… Uumm. Aaaaaaammmm.”
Me – “Mmmmmmmmmm…”
Vandy – “Hub! Hub! Horse hub horse hub horse hubby hubby horse hubby horse!”

Me – “Oh yeah valentine’s day is coming.”
Mum – “Your boyfriend’s name starts with K?”
Me – “What K? Why K?”
(Failed at nonchalance, miserably)

Dad – “A mortgaged home, a car on loan, and a boyfriend arrest growth. Stay away from all the three!”

Me – “Let’s enjoy life. Life is full of crap anyway and nothing’s gonna change that.”
Richa – “Yeah, have the time of your life.”
Me – “Tum bhi karo crap!”
Richa – “Do you realize what you just said?”
(Sinked in two days later)

Me – “Hey I know who she is, she looked hot for the farewell. Her blouse was literally balancing on a string and if that came off…”
Nilabh – *Amused* “Did it come off?”
Me – *thoughtful* “Haan?” *firm* “No!”
Nilabh – “That was just the follow up question! How did you know anyway?”
Me – “She went to the loo with me and she asked me to tighten it for her.”
Nilabh – “Don’t get me wrong but this makes me want to be a Vision impaired lesbian!”

Trupti (my scribe) – “She made me open Wikipedia on my phone during the exam.”
Kailash – “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?”
Me – “What am I missing, bros?”
Kailash – “Log kehte hain ki agar insaan ka koi dost na ho to google ki dosti ke sahare zindagi kaato. Tum ne to seriously le liya hai yaar!”

Me – “Did you know that the leading lady’s name in The Inheritence of Loss is Sai? And there’s a character named Nauni and I live in Nauni, Himachal Pradesh.
Arunima – “Okay so it’s basically Kiran Desai referencing you. Like they throw in references in pop culture!”

Kanu – “What’s your zodiac?”
Me – “Leo”
Kanu – “You’re a leo too?”
Me – “Yeah.”
*tubelight flashing on feebly*
Me – “Who else is a leo?”
Kanu – “Oh crap!”
Me – *Makes a face*
Kanu – *Clears her throat and pregnant pause*
Kanu – “Shourjya is also leo, no?”
Me – “Yeah. Asshole is also leo. Don’t say it again.”
*Totally died laughing*

Me – “Daaku mera daak mere baby tak pahonchayega.”
Richa – “Daaku? Daak?”
Me – “The postman will deliver the parcel to my boyfriend.”
Richa – “Please go Google dhakia and daaku! I should get you a Hindi dictionary for your birthday!”
(Holy shit)

Nilabh – “Ever wondered why I’m so wise?”
Me – “Why?”
Nilabh – “Tere side mein ek pedh hai, usshi ke niche bait ke gyan leta hun.”
Me – *Gets up, joins palms, touches forehead to the tree*
Nilabh dies laughing, I join in!

Smriti – “Nikki agar main tujhe apni potty dungi to tu khayegi?”
Me (mouthful of choorma) – “Mmmmmmmmmmmm” *cringes*
Niketa – “Agar main tujh se bolungi Smriti apna potty dena tabhi dogi na tum mujhe?”
*clutching stomach, mouthful*
Kanu – “Point!”
Manisha – “Yaar mere ghar pe hota hai. Smart kid ke achievements pe dumb kid ko kehte hain ‘Tu uske potty khaane layak hai, tu uski potty khaale teri zindagi
safal hojaygi’.”
Kanu – “Cousins ki yaad aagayi. ‘tujhe main apni potty dunga.’ ‘de kar to dek saale!’”
Me *still clutching stomach, mouthful, silent tears*

Me – *Zoned out in class*
Professor Jojo – “What do you want to name your kids?”
Me – *Zoned out*
Professor Jojo – “Yesterday my wife came home and she was completely depressed.”
Me – *Zoned out*
Professor Jojo – “Do I need someone’s permission to die?”
Me – *Self thought* “What’s happening?”

Vandy’s status – “My dad is the worlds best daughter's {SAI VANDITA MADIREDDY} dad.”
Dad’s comment – “News to us.”

Kunal – “Men aren’t dogs.”
Me – “No men aren’t dogs. Dogs go to heaven. And you’re being an… forget it baby, I can’t abuse you!”

Richa (shows me a scale) – “Here to here, six inches.
Me – “So?”
Richa – “Six whole inches, Sai.”
*Realization hits*
Me – “OMG! How?”
Richa – “How, exactly is the question! I’ll die!”
(I was a teenager, wasn’t I?)

Anu Ninni (my aunt) – “Akshara Hasan is okay looking but she has cat eyes like mamma.”
Me – “um, whose mamma? My mamma or your mamma?”
Anu Ninni – “chhi! What Sai?!”
Me – “Oh her own mamma?”
(who’s more obtuse?)

Deachen (to me) – “Chanda Mama kitna pyaara lag raha hai.”
Me (to Kapai) – “Chanda Mama ko dekho!”
Kapai – “who’s Chanda Mama?”

Richa – “I know this has taken an unhealthy turn but his message was adorable. Like I was his best mistake.”
Me – “awwwwww… But nawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!”
Richa – “Nawwww? Awwww kisi ka sense of humour improve ho raha hai!”

Me – “you have been drinking?”
Nisha – “I have been drinking?”
Me – “you have been drinking!”
Nisha – “when was I drinking?”
Me – “didn’t you just say you’ve been drinking?”
Nisha – “when did I say I have been drinking?”
*urgh*

Kapai (handing Piyali her phone) – “ye lijiye tumara boyfriend.”
Piyali (cuddles Kapai) – “you remind me of the dog from despicable me and I’m the little girl running after it!”

I sendt my mum a picture of me holding a baby chicken. She wrote back “Both the chicks are beautiful!”

Amit (On the class chat) – “Does Arunima have an alternative email id?”
Arunima – “No, dodo, she prefers punk!”

Meenakshi – (about Komal) “Here’s the hot one.”
Me – “How hot are you exactly?”
Komal – *leans in* “I’m this hot.”
Me – “Uh… I’m hotter and I don’t need to lean in to make you go fuzzy!”
(I wish I read expressions better)

Me – “pumpkin, you don’t look good in shirts!”
Kapai – “I’m removing my shirt!”

Sachin – “Hi Sai cuty pie.”
Me – *blows a raspberry*
Sachin – “Hi sai chicken fry!”
*highfive*

Richa – “Don’t lose hope just yet, sweety. Maybe you could steal a little goodbye kiss before he leaves.”
*I died*

And last but not the least…

Me – “thank you, Sir. Very kind of you. May I know your name please?”
Professor H. Beck – “You may call me Professor Beck.”
Me – “Alright. Is Beck short for something, Sir?”
Professor H. Beck – “Beck is my Family name. I don’t tell people my first name.”
(Few days later, I get a friend request on Facebook from a certain Hilarios Beck)