Perfection is elusive and also; unnecessary not to mention, impossible. But it still has a lot of fans. Scores of people trying harder with every morn to achieve a little part of it; to fake it or to be destroyed chasing it… only to realize it doesn’t exist. For those few who still manage to pick themselves up, dust themselves off and move on with a smile on their face are lucky. But those who can’t; they exist but don’t really live unless they being their imperfect self, bump into someone. Someone different. Someone perfect.
I first saw S at the college. She was so enthusiastic about the first day of college. You know the type; it was a first day of my college journey- I will study so hard and be perfect – look at all these new people I’m meeting- I’m growing up kind of day. The kind of day when your mental refrain is a nauseously happy American song about being happy. I had that song in my head too; on repeat, but by habit I don’t talk about these things. By a very bad habit I mean, of constantly preferring to be a cold distant observer in any new situation. She is the perfect opposite. S was pouring her heart out to anyone who would listen, making best friends by the minute. I smiled and stood alone. We met at the departmental orientation. I was the girl who asked so if our classes start from the second period on a particular day, do we turn up straightaway for the second period or the first. Someone said, “Could you please accompany me to the college gate?” I said yes and I held her hand; that was the first time I held her hand in the years to come. Each time with a different emotion, purpose, destination but each time with a stronger bond. She asked me about me and told me we’re from the same state, from a city I had never heard of. We didn’t see each other for a while after that. But something stuck. Something always sticks about S. it’s impossible to meet her and not have an afterthought about her days, weeks later. She impinges on memory. I quizzed my dad on where this city was that I’d never heard of and he said there was no such city. I was confused but quite amused. And it was just the beginning.
It was sweet and sour initially. I was an aloof judge-y bitch and she was the queen of sunshine. Always doing something new, always sharing it with people, always smiling and discovering new things. Always friendly. I was amazed to be quite honest. I wondered how it was possible; to always like people and always be liked by them. I liked her too no doubt; on the good days when I absorbed a bit of the sunshine and even on the sour days when I didn’t say anything but she still sat by me.
I can’t point out the exact moment when I thought that this woman will be one of my closest friends for life. But I did think of it at several points. The times when we spontaneously decided to paint the town red, the parts where we discovered our mutual love for junk food, and even the parts with the boy talk; sharing everything with each other, our aspirations, ideas, fantasies and even fears, remorse and guilt. There were tough times, there were blank phases. But I knew that I will never let go and neither will she. She was always so giving… she’s the kind of person who plans for people’s birthday gifts a month in advance, the kind of person who hears shit from people and bears it to collect money for a poor person’s hospital visit who she thought was sick and she thought was her friend. You know, the kind of girl who when decides to love someone does so with the entirety of her tan, man and dhan. Tere pyar mein fana ho jau and all that.
Of course, I was a bit perturbed. I get a little uncomfortable around too much perfection. I didn’t say much because she was happy, so perfectly happy. And then it happened, the quintessential college heartbreak, twice and almost simultaneously. It was cool at first, something new! Something beautiful, something venerated and made perfect in dozens of pop culture books, films and what not. They call it the greatest emotion on earth. The purest part that everyone craves for, but few get. S did not get what she deserved- something pure. But being S, she imagined it was pure and went along with it. She was head over heels in love. And in this case, gorgeous branded 2k heels with neon motifs way above the standards of the one it went over the head for.
She came undone. Everyday a new phone call, everyday a new story of how people disliked her, avoided her, hurt her. I was disturbed and these stories didn’t fall into place. How could the sunshine S I know be disliked? Surely she was just being too harsh on herself? Surely, its just the heartbreak talking? Just the heartbreak… for tan man dhan chicks like us a heartbreak is never “just”.
There were bad days. As in I want to put the world on fire- be surly all day- everything I do turns to shit kind of days. There were many inspired days, I will begin again days. There were let me distract myself days. There were I’m totally lost days and there were happy days that ended in tears.
Slowly, with ever weakening, ever resolving strength she found herself again. That’s when I saw it. Perfection. It was never in constantly being liked or liking. It was never in meaningless friendly interactions. It was in her will to live, to really live not just exist.to learn something new and execute it, to accept, to move on, to adorn oneself. I saw that girl who sat for hours, touching every piece of jewellery in her bulging jewellery bags with a satisfied smile on her face. “you’ll get used to my madness.” She said then. Little did I know we would both get used to each other’s madness and what not. The heartbreaks helped put life in perspective for her and for me. And there are tears here and there, there always will be. And somewhere in-between it will find its way; hot and pulping- perfection.
Not in the non-klutz-y, non-creased clothes, perfect comebacks kind of way.
But in the I have something stuck in my teeth, lets laugh at fake bitches, lets gorge on doughnuts, I have a big smile on my face, my nails are neon, my hair is flying kind of way. Its something we tan man dhan chicks are quite good at!
I love you S! I always will!
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