Ennui, jilted, band aid on my heart

So, on a very fine evening, after a walk in the JNU campus and my first plate of the oh-so-delicious-Delhi-ish steaming hot momos with lots of the authentic mirchi chatni in ages, my skin felt more like skin. Delhi times, revisited.
Today is my third day in Delhi and I’m bathing in the distinct smell of weirdness and wonder! What’s so cool about Delhi you may wonder, nothing really. What’s so cool about the badti hui mehngayi? The poor is in poverty, the lower middle class is struggling to protect themselves from the kiss of poverty, the higher middle class is struggling to not struggle for long and the rich has felt the tremors. But I’ll tell you what. Fashion is cheaper than food here! Tomatoes I think cost eighty Rupees and guess what? I shopped three gorgeous stoles for one hundred Rupees, and many other such cheep goodies when I was out with baby doll (that’s what we’ll call my besty) and my sister at Sarojini Nagar (a local market). Omg, fuel for survival comes at a price, zero sized anorexia still in demand! Why?
What’s cool about the noise? Argh nothing. Not after living in one of the most beautiful valleys in Himachal Pradesh. The only noise that annoyed me the most was birds pecking at our windows, asserting their right to get breakfast, lunch and dinner early in the morning. Trust me, they do that. They are used to being hosted at our home every day. And it’s cool only for the first week, and for a late riser like me, it ain’t cool at all!
What’s cool about jams? Toasts and tarts and almost everything! But I’m referring to the not so cool kind of jams. The traffic jams. Oh you get that a lot in Delhi and those are a special kind of kolaveri that can only have been contrived in the deepest and most unholy depts of hell! It took us around five hours to drive to Delhi from Nauni, Solan, Himachal Pradesh. And it took us two hours to drive back home after entering the fringes of Delhi. Frustration sears in. seriously, I look up to my dad; sometimes he can be a paragon of patience.
Is the weather cool in Delhi? Nooooooooooooooooooooo! It is either toasting hot… Or spine chilling cold! Weather wizards don’t do cool in capital cities, that image is for the “Dilli ke dil waalas” to hold. Presently, Delhi is hot. Like jaw of hell hot. June is approaching and January and June in Delhi are the worst Js of the year!
No one in my little happy family finds peace in Delhi. But still, Delhi is happiness for me. As I said, my skin feels more like skin here. My heart beats the happy rhythm. Maybe because I found the almost most absolute people here. What’s funny? None of them are from Delhi. Neither am I.

I digressed completely. This was supposed to be an apology post. Because I owe my little bloggity a sorry post. I was supposed to do a holly jolly post on the 23/4/14. My little love blew her first candle on that day and I didn’t celebrate it. Not that I forgot, I just didn’t. My baby sister gave me a chocolate in celebration, I ate it, but I didn’t do the “happiest happiest blogaversary” post that I should have done.
Why, you may wonder. To answer that, I’ll have to elaborate on the title a little.
Ennui because this constant need to do something is driving me nuts. It is getting way out of hand. Where to begin? For a very long time I didn’t have the courage to really write, I wrote in bits and pieces, scraps and fragments. I have been micro blogging through facebook. I have been writing and erasing things, experiencing the blogger’s block, angry and disappointed with myself. There’s just so much to do starting from baking and quilling to blogging and a course in creative writing, that I did not know where to begin so I didn’t begin at all. A circle has no beginning!
Jilted? Jilted by that dream I fought to live. Began to live. Quit mid way. Quitting doesn’t sound good at all. Not a bit. See where the disappointment and the anger came from? Every idea of mine seemed recycled, from a movie or a book or another blog. I guess it is a human tendency to become extremely self critical when we realise a few of our plans have remained unplanned, or one wrong shot fired boomeranged on us.
I remember, more than a year ago, on a beautiful loverly (I made the word up, it means ‘for lovers’) night, during the pre-relationship days, he asked me who my current love was. The staunch amateur social worker in me franticly yelled “Tata Institute of Social Sciences”. I heard him shift, or maybe adjust. With his lips closer to the phone, he whispered “tell me!” and again, the staunch social worker in the making yelled “Tata Institute of Social Sciences” while my heart hushed a meek “not a lie, it’s just half the truth”. But, god knows, the passion for social work was greater. But still, I dropped the admission I gained to TISS. I know I will go back, but still, that guilt of returning home empty handed, in the process waving a huge middle finger to my physical, emotional and educational investments and responsibilities lingered for a month. Maybe it still does, but relatively, not absolutely. Though I made the decision for myself, it feels like being jilted. Congratulations, I’m still a graduate! Even after all this.
Thus, the band aid on my heart. I remember someone saying to me “Scars are sexy because it means you made a mistake that led to a mess”. How true, the game is in growing out of the mess you made for yourself. I have reached that moment when guilt reaches a saturation point and I am beginning all over again. But this time, baby steps. Starting off with wisdom.
Recuperating.

What contributes a certain cachet to starting this post you may wonder. Another fragment. You know what happened today? After the momo hogging bliss, dad told me off for eating too much. Like any other fat kid, I pulled a face in my defence. Then we went to a park and…
Self thought on a swing – “I love swings and summer evenings.”
The swing haled my name with its last breath, tossed me in the air with no respite, swirling I landed on my haunches!
Argh, is this how ecstatic swings treat healthy, grownup girls?

Its 2:30 in the morning and I’m typing away in super cute mauve pyjamas with clouds on them and an unmatched polo (my sister’s sports uniform for school). I should be sleeping. The Wi-Fi is turned off so I promise myself to post this entry tomorrow.

Anyhow, in all confusions, mishaps and wrong deeds, lord has been very kind. And this break, though it was uncalled for and unplanned, it is a much needed respite from everything heavy and unhappy.
Gratitude.

We crave to be white

She picked her bag and walked towards the door, all set to hit the dance floor, to booze, to party, to hug and bid her buddies adieu. She turned to look into the mirror to examine herself one last time. Ravishing in red, inches taller, stood a girl in the mirror, smiling so confidently.
Amidst the gorgeous madness, she suddenly realised a flaw. No matter how elegantly she was carrying herself, she is dark skinned. And dark is never beautiful.
She sat on her bed, trying to figure out if her skin is darker or her soul. Would she like herself as much even after the party?
She shut her eyes. She reminisced running around in a pink frilly dress, licking a lollypop, holding a balloon, two little ponytails barely touching her ears. There was no pain, neither on the outside nor in the inside of her. No dark skin issues and the concept of dark soul was out of question. She was loved.

But love wasn’t her problem. She was still loved, and she experienced intense, physical love few months ago. He had loved a part of her so much that he stared at it with thirst. He couldn’t hold his love in for long, so he held onto her, bruised her, thrust in and poured out and left her before she realised.
The world found out and now, a lot like him love her. Just the way he did. In a “no rings for sluts” sort of a way. Many like him want her. Just the way he had once wanted her. He got her.
She was conditioned to crave to be white, from her teeth to her vagina. Her teeth are, but her vagina?

I didn’t do anything, chocolate vodka did it!

I swear I would have sat on the road if she didn’t let me sit. But she was being nice and she let me sit in the auto. Oh man… like Baba Thillon once sang, I was “blowing in the wind”. I still am, you know?
But, I wish my Baba Thillon was Punjabi, but sadly he was bob Dillon. Born in another country, died in another country. But I wonder what he thinks about chocolate vodka. Do you get more flavoursome chocolate vodka in the States?
The chocolate vodka I drank… boring vodka I drank long time ago… namesake man… they are just namesake. Didn’t even taste chocolate! Chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Why isn’t anything happening?

I’m not drunk. I’m tipsy. I like talking when I’m drunk. I mean when I’m tipsy. When I’m drunk also I talk. But whatever man I’m sober and I can debate on neo liberalism and post colonialism. Wanna put up a fight? With me? I’m awesome at debates that sometimes I mentally strike the other person’s head with a hammer in frustration. Yesssssss……! That’s where the spirit comes from. I’m a great debater.

But what man? Chocolate vodka didn’t even taste chocolate! 260ML I drank up and all the money I paid for it. Why?

Why do I smell guava? I wanna smell chocolate. Someone give me chocolate. Please someone give me chocolate.

What’s wrong with my doughnut cover picture? Why is daddy cribbing about it? And you know? I asked why he didn’t like it. And he said “I’ll talk to you later.”
Mean daddy doesn’t realise the importance of chocolate and doughnuts in my life.

Someone send chocolate. Please someone send chocolate. But, note. I only eat white chocolate. Dark chocolate is Yuk… only Horney people like dark chocolate. No. I didn’t say it. Someone I know and don’t want to name once said it to me. I won’t name him because I hate him because he is a bad guy.

You know I was working on a group presentation and I asked a friend to give me her earphones. And earphones also smelled of chocolate. I wanted to ask her if she applies her chocolate lip balm on her earphones. Had I been drunk then I would have asked her, you know?
I was sad on Valentine’s Day. Because I didn’t get any chocolate. You know, hot women say valentino is an excuse for getting flowers and hugs and chocolates. And they regale themselves with chocolate, be it the pish posh chocolate Dundee cakes, or bigger aphrodisiacs like rum chocolate or novelty choco-treats like little chocolates wrapped in colourful papers and assorted in pretty baskets or even eclairs toffees.
But I guess it’s out of my business because I’m a sidekick and sidekicks are not hot.

But you know what; I respect the magic of globalisation. I want strawberries dipped in chocolate sauce. Sinful? Dark desires? You bet! Chocolate knows to tease the taste buds! 10 million orgasms in one go? Who would know? How cheesy! Oh I want chocolate cheese cake!

No one is getting me chocolate. I’ll sleep with my guava.

Baba Dillon, I’m “blowing in the wind”!

Naa jaane koi

(who would know)…
Kaisi hai ye zindagani (how’s the living)?
(I didn’t graduate in translation, so shush!)
This song has been playing in my head since yesterday. The cool boyband of our class sang to its melancholic beats for the farewell party. Yeah man, I know we are bidding our seniors a goodbye, but this is no adhuri kahani (incomplete story)!
How does my story unfold?
20 years long!

What do I feel right now?
Too mixed up.

Am I happy?
Ask me again tomorrow.

What do I want?
I’ll tell you when I figure.

Do I have the time?
Time and tide treat all of us the same way.

But I’ve learned a lot of things this week…

1. When you say the cool lot doesn’t hang out with you, it only means you’re insulting the lot that hangs out with you, the friends who love you.
2. Just because you think someone is cool doesn’t have to mean the person is actually cool, it only means we have our romantic phases.
3. I love myself and there’s no harm in saying it allowed. Haters may hate and potatoes may potate!
4. Depression only needs excuses like… oh the room doesn’t have enough sunlight.
5. Gossiping at someone else’s expense is always fun. Trust me; you do not know the entire story. Even if you do, it’s none of your business because you will not realise how it feels unless you are at the receiving end.
6. No, the woman who gets drunk at a party and ends up making out with someone is not a slut. Trust me, there’s more to it than what meets the eye.
7. God helps those who help themselves. Where will tossing in bed for days take you?
8. People respect those who respect themselves. Often, the most confident are called cool. You have it, you display it.
9. Friends in need are friends indeed! Because the time you ask for a friend the most is the time you have the least to offer.
10. The joy you share is jealousy doubled! This applies to random people, for friends it has, is and will always be joy you share is joy doubled. So choose wisely.
11. Just because you haven’t talked for a while doesn’t mean you aren’t friends anymore. One hug and the love will rekindle. Because the heart remembers.

This is still an adhoori kahani. I have a long way to go.
But what cheers me up is that I’m wiser than I was. I’ve learnt a lot. I’m still learning. I write a lifestyle blog. About things I’ve realised, about things I’ve experienced, about how I plan my life, and maybe someone somewhere will find answers.
And guess what, I’m respected. My parents read my blog. And their advice?
“Keep exploring, child.”

Why do I care about the social strata?
I’m placed on the topmost layer in my little society consisting of the most awesome people. And you know what? We are all equals. We all share the topmost layer.

I’m cool and I know it! :)

Being jobless makes me so cool. And I get tralala sorta fun. What’s life without a crazy theme? We totally deserve an entertaining change. The rat race demands blood and sweat. Beware; you want all that’s yours. Do you want to give up? Sell away your lungs and kidneys? No, don’t, no, don’t, please, begging.
You are still loved very much. Be safe, be happy, be good. Go to bed with a smile. Pick a line for your epitaph. My epitaph – Vindhya Himachala Yamuna Ganga. Because my name is Sai Vindhya. Do crazy stuff, weird is different.
By the way, I’m not jobless. I have many assignments to complete. And piles of stuff to sort. But this post has a purpose.
I have a secret to tell. Oh, oohh, ah, yeah, hmm, hmm. I’ll be quick, surprises are hard. I can’t deal with them myself. So, awesome peeps, here it goes…
This post has six worded sentences.
Yay, yay, boom, boom, woohoo, hurrah!

Count the words in each sentence. I make a terrible, horrible cheater.
I’m looking forward to your responses.

It’s your turn to be cool.
I love you very much, reader.
Sending you my warm fuzzy regards.

Wisdom of Jesus the Son of Sirach

I attended a writers club where we were told to write ten sentences starting with “I’ve learnt”. So here, twenty most interesting lessons I’ve learnt in the twenty short years of my not so long life.

1. I’ve learnt to stop worrying about who people think I am. Because it’s me, I own myself!
2. I’ve learnt that whatever I do doesn’t have to be sophisticated all the time, let’s go dumb!
3. I’ve learnt that weird is the new different.
4. I’ve learnt that trust is the first step to any relationship.
5. I’ve learnt to not take things at face value, it is necessary to differentiate between sweet nothings and genuine complements.
6. I’ve learnt to take it slow, because if you hurry, you flurry!
7. I’ve learnt that the cool “I don’t care” attitude is not cool any longer. I care because it’s about me!
8. I’ve learnt that the only debt one can’t repay is the gift of an understanding mother.
9. I’ve learnt to hold on to people despite misunderstandings. Because some relationships come a full circle.
10. I’ve learnt that important life lessons can only be learned through experience. Good luck, bad luck… who knows?
11. I’ve learnt that victory is sweet and easy to share. Defeat is an individual experience.
12. I’ve learnt to watch good movies. The small budget big win sorts. The true Indi win sorts.
13. I’ve learnt that love is a beautiful two way street.
14. I’ve learnt that one should drink to celebrate, not to get drunk. Barring the random kiss or drunk dialling the long gone ex is not cool.
15. I’ve learnt to raise a smile, not a fist, because I know the world expects the fist.
16. I’ve learnt to not be jealous of someone else’s beauty or covetous for someone else’s talents. I will bask in the beauty that I am and embrace the talent that I have.
17. I’ve learned that it’s mandatory to pick the cue; else the blame is on you.
18. I’ve learned that people change much like leaves. From tender green to bottle green and darker and darker. Some turn yellow in between, and then brown, then they catch fire to look dead gray.
19. I’ve learnt to hold on to my self-respect at all times. It’s wonderful to be nice, and I will. But no, not at the cost of people taking me for granted.
20. I’ve learned that what I will learn is more important than what I have learnt.

P.S. these are not just mere clichés.

Me bad bad blogger dish, why did I post a post empty of New Year wish?

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